I don't believe I have written at all about how I feel about my appearance since I buzzed my hair off last July. Mirror avoidance has become a firmly entrenched habit now. For a while, during the worst of the pre-wound-vac days accidentally catching a glimpse of myself as I got out of the shower would send me into an all-out panic attack. The giant holes in my chest were big enough to stick my fist into (I didn't, but I could), and my brain just couldn't handle that.
I'm having to confront mirrors again, and it is weird and really uncomfortable.
As a very fat person I'm used to being utterly ignored in most anonymously public situations. People don't make eye contact, it's exceedingly rare that strangers talk to me. I can walk into a high end department store wearing $300 boots and be entirely ignored by the sales staff in the shoe department. That happens more often than not.
If you're not the same size as me, you may think your experience is similar, but I guarantee you, it is not. I have plenty of slim-to-chunky friends, and they are noticed when we are out together, acknowledged in a way that I never am. They interact with the world in a way that I just don't. Honestly, that part is mostly OK. It's nice to be invisible in a lot of contexts. Except when I really want some new shoes.
Right now, I'm not invisible. Most of last fall I was bald like Kojak and a lot of people stared. Now my hair has started to come back, but not having breasts has caused people to do double-takes in the grocery store, on the street, in restaurants. Add the wound vac, which sounds like a coffee percolator and has tubing that runs out from underneath my shirt, and visible pink fluid running through it, and I'm a bonafide freakshow.
Monday I took a first step back toward looking normal - I went and got fitted for a prosthetic bra. Nordstrom does it, they carry the "forms", which I guess is the PC term for falsies. They also carry bras and camisoles built with pockets to carry the forms and will add a pocket to any other bra they sell free of charge if I ask them to. I decided to go a lot smaller than my old size - to aim for the approximate size I'll be after reconstruction. Since I'm not going to use silicone I'm expecting that to be a C or D cup, so for now I'll be a 44C, down from a 46DDD. I have to wait a couple of weeks for them to get a matched set for me.
It was really strange to try them on, look in a mirror again, see a female shape there, and a shape that is so different from what mine has been for the last 20 years. My hair is almost an inch long now, and it's coming in curly (which is not surprising, that's a standard side effect of chemo, and in some people it comes in red too). I have no clue what to do with it. I'm holding out for a little more growth (which could stall out while I'm on chemo) before I get it cut. For now it looks like I styled it with an egg beater.
So, how do I feel now? A little closer to normal. I walked into Sephora and bought lipstick today. I couldn't have done that two months ago.
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Things are bumping along otherwise - chemo is pretty much as expected. My first carbo infusion was a week ago. I was nauseated for the first couple of days but only needed compazine to take the edge off of it over the weekend. I had my Neulasta shot to stimulate bone marrow on Friday and the real pain started Monday evening. It's starting to taper now. I take Alleve during the day and something a little stronger to help me get to sleep if I need it. I'm hoping it's gone tomorrow. It definitely is hurting worse as a whole this time than it was in the fall. Bob's theory is that it's because my marrow is in better shape right now. I have no idea, but I'm glad I've got a stash of the good drugs.
The pain in my arm from the missed vein finally disappeared in the last 48 hours or so, or maybe I'm just not noticing it because I'm medicating the other.
The wound vac is doing its job, I really noticed progress in the last couple of days, and there's about a square centimeter of entirely new skin that has appeared since Monday. It's still annoying as hell but just knowing that I can take it off at any time and walk away makes it a lot easier to keep the thing on.
I'm having to confront mirrors again, and it is weird and really uncomfortable.
As a very fat person I'm used to being utterly ignored in most anonymously public situations. People don't make eye contact, it's exceedingly rare that strangers talk to me. I can walk into a high end department store wearing $300 boots and be entirely ignored by the sales staff in the shoe department. That happens more often than not.
If you're not the same size as me, you may think your experience is similar, but I guarantee you, it is not. I have plenty of slim-to-chunky friends, and they are noticed when we are out together, acknowledged in a way that I never am. They interact with the world in a way that I just don't. Honestly, that part is mostly OK. It's nice to be invisible in a lot of contexts. Except when I really want some new shoes.
Right now, I'm not invisible. Most of last fall I was bald like Kojak and a lot of people stared. Now my hair has started to come back, but not having breasts has caused people to do double-takes in the grocery store, on the street, in restaurants. Add the wound vac, which sounds like a coffee percolator and has tubing that runs out from underneath my shirt, and visible pink fluid running through it, and I'm a bonafide freakshow.
Monday I took a first step back toward looking normal - I went and got fitted for a prosthetic bra. Nordstrom does it, they carry the "forms", which I guess is the PC term for falsies. They also carry bras and camisoles built with pockets to carry the forms and will add a pocket to any other bra they sell free of charge if I ask them to. I decided to go a lot smaller than my old size - to aim for the approximate size I'll be after reconstruction. Since I'm not going to use silicone I'm expecting that to be a C or D cup, so for now I'll be a 44C, down from a 46DDD. I have to wait a couple of weeks for them to get a matched set for me.
It was really strange to try them on, look in a mirror again, see a female shape there, and a shape that is so different from what mine has been for the last 20 years. My hair is almost an inch long now, and it's coming in curly (which is not surprising, that's a standard side effect of chemo, and in some people it comes in red too). I have no clue what to do with it. I'm holding out for a little more growth (which could stall out while I'm on chemo) before I get it cut. For now it looks like I styled it with an egg beater.
So, how do I feel now? A little closer to normal. I walked into Sephora and bought lipstick today. I couldn't have done that two months ago.
----------------------------
Things are bumping along otherwise - chemo is pretty much as expected. My first carbo infusion was a week ago. I was nauseated for the first couple of days but only needed compazine to take the edge off of it over the weekend. I had my Neulasta shot to stimulate bone marrow on Friday and the real pain started Monday evening. It's starting to taper now. I take Alleve during the day and something a little stronger to help me get to sleep if I need it. I'm hoping it's gone tomorrow. It definitely is hurting worse as a whole this time than it was in the fall. Bob's theory is that it's because my marrow is in better shape right now. I have no idea, but I'm glad I've got a stash of the good drugs.
The pain in my arm from the missed vein finally disappeared in the last 48 hours or so, or maybe I'm just not noticing it because I'm medicating the other.
The wound vac is doing its job, I really noticed progress in the last couple of days, and there's about a square centimeter of entirely new skin that has appeared since Monday. It's still annoying as hell but just knowing that I can take it off at any time and walk away makes it a lot easier to keep the thing on.
You are beautiful inside and out. Always have been, always will be. xoxo Valerie
ReplyDeleteP.S. I really miss you.
Miss you too. If nothing else goes wrong, I'm expecting to be back at the end of July, and I'm pretty excited about that.
DeleteOh man, you could have been a ginger! :)
ReplyDeleteHow long is this round of chemo supposed to take? Will that inhibit the wound healing? Glad to hear it IS healing better now.
This time it's four rounds, once every three weeks, so #2 will be 4/23, then 5/14 and 6/3. It probably is inhibiting healing, which is why I chose to go back to the vacuum. I'm worried that the little bit that is still open is much more susceptible to infection now that my immune system is knocked out too. I'm taking a bunch of supplements to help supply the building blocks - vitamin C, zinc, iron. But it's hard to know how much is actually being absorbed.
Delete