Done. Sort of.

My final chemo infusion was yesterday and it didn't go great, but that's been completely par for the course the last few months.  I think really what it comes down to is that while the nurse in the practice who manages infusions is great in all other respects, she's very used to dealing with ports and is just as good at setting up IVs.  After that first infiltration incident, each time she's tried both elbows (which the lab techs get every time now since I've been really conscientious about being hydrated) and fails and then goes into the back of my hand, and has to try multiple times to get that.  It is really painful and it continues to hurt through the entire infusion - burning and throbbing.  I started taking Ativan before going in to see her the last couple of times, and yesterday when we got to my hand again and I was crying in pain and frustration I said screw it and took some vicodin too.  It knocked me on my ass, which was awesome.  Those are two drugs you don't want to mix, but I knew the dose was safe because I'd been given more than that in a hospital setting before.  I hope I don't ever need to do that again though. 

So I went back today for my neulasta shot and did an abbreviated (no energy) pilates session and saw my shrink.  We talked about possible short term stimulants for me.  Not for daily use, just to help get me through the wedding.  I won't be recovered by then, and I am really worried that I'm going to shoot my wad at the rehearsal dinner and then be a zombie at the wedding itself. 

My anemia is bad, but not bad enough to trigger an automatic transfusion.  Shrink and I talked about adderall and provigil, but he wants my oncologists opinion before we move forward with either one of those, so I'll send her a note asking about that and also let her know that I think a transfusion would take me far enough to not need either one of those things and would be my preference anyway.  We'll see what she says. 

I expect to crash hard tomorrow and through the weekend.