Today was really the first day where I just couldn't care for myself. Too tired. I planned ahead, based on my experience last week - cancelled as many meetings as I could for work, brought my laptop and gear upstairs so I could take the ones I couldn't skip from bed, and did nothing else. Bob brought me a raspberry smoothie (frozen raspberries, yogurt, protein powder) for breakfast, and I drank that down while listening to my 8am call with the guys in India. I was already crashing hard by 9:15 and slept straight through until he brought me some soup at 2. I got up around 5 and took a shower, and then spent another hour just staring at the ceiling before coming down for dinner, which I ate about 4 bites of. The steroids were definitely supporting my appetite. I dropped about five pounds this week.
Feeling pretty down right now - exhausted, headachey, hard to take a deep breath. I know it will be better soon, and I know it will be worse next week. I'm feeling whiney and lonely and sad. Sad for me. Sad for Bob. He didn't deserve this. He's handling it like a champ, but it's hard on him. Hard on us.
I do have something to look forward to this weekend - swanky spa day with my sister and her boyfriend. I think a massage and some ridiculous spa food will be a good thing. And then I need to come home and spend the weekend actually asking for help for the next few months. I am not good at that. It is hard. It is humiliating. I've always been the strong just-get-it-done one. Can't walk down one flight of stairs and use a freaking blender for five minutes to make your breakfast? What the hell is wrong with you? Oh yeah. Cancer.
I am good at being kind to myself in some ways. Not in others. I need to learn those others.
Feeling pretty down right now - exhausted, headachey, hard to take a deep breath. I know it will be better soon, and I know it will be worse next week. I'm feeling whiney and lonely and sad. Sad for me. Sad for Bob. He didn't deserve this. He's handling it like a champ, but it's hard on him. Hard on us.
I do have something to look forward to this weekend - swanky spa day with my sister and her boyfriend. I think a massage and some ridiculous spa food will be a good thing. And then I need to come home and spend the weekend actually asking for help for the next few months. I am not good at that. It is hard. It is humiliating. I've always been the strong just-get-it-done one. Can't walk down one flight of stairs and use a freaking blender for five minutes to make your breakfast? What the hell is wrong with you? Oh yeah. Cancer.
I am good at being kind to myself in some ways. Not in others. I need to learn those others.
You know, it makes people feel good to help their friends. Maybe you can think of it as giving your friends the opportunity to feel good by helping you out?
ReplyDeleteI know, and I felt that way about Leasha when she was sick. It is just harder than I thought it would be to be on this side of the fence.
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