Brief history for those of you who haven't known me long. I am fat. Surprise! I have been since I was about 19 . I wasn't really fat before then, but like every American teenager I was convinced I was anyway, so while I don't recall exact dates, I'm pretty sure I started my first "diet" when I was 13 or 14, and like most people who have reached my size, for every pound I lost I gained two back over the years. I went as far as having surgery a decade ago, which accomplished nothing except utterly destroying my metabolism and my esophagus, made me suicidally depressed, and cost me and my parents an obscene amount of money.
I've mentioned it here once before, and I'll be happy to elaborate for anybody who has questions on the topic, but basically I walked away from the idea that I would ever attempt to lose weight again several years ago. There are a lot of reasons for that. A lot of science to back up my reasoning, and a lot of sanity followed. Dieting makes you completely obsessed with food. We've all done it, or know somebody who has done it, or otherwise intelligent people who are unable to have small talk (especially with women) that doesn't include some mention of diet or morality about food ("I was soooo bad today...").
Being that obsessed didn't make me thin. It made me boring. It made me crazy. It made me keep insane diaries of everything I ate and every time I exercised. It made me push myself too hard just to burn 10 more calories on the treadmill, causing multiple injuries over the years. And then of course I couldn't exercise because I was injured and I gained anything I'd lost right back.
Things have been a lot better over the last couple of years. When I swore off dieting, I committed to eating a wide variety of healthy foods and exercising regularly. Doesn't seem that different, but it really is. As screwed up as my knee has been, this has been the longest stretch I've ever gone without an exercise related injury. Since I don't weigh myself, I haven't been depressed about plateaus. It is what it is. I got stronger. I found a great trainer who I can't wait to get back to when all this is over. I worked out regularly for two solid years, and I hope to get back to it in a more limited way in the coming weeks, now that all the testing is over and I have some time again and a predictable schedule.
But food is a problem. Forcing myself back into that mindset - not the weight loss fantasy - but having to think about what I'm eating daily in terms of something more than "try to eat at least four servings of produce and not too many carbs" is a problem.
Those of you not on FB have missed some discussions about juicers and blenders and how I'm going to get all the nutrients I need. It has triggered the old obsessive thinking again. I have realized that I need to start keeping a food diary, and a much more detailed one than I used to. I need to write down what's going in and when, and what's coming back out and when, and how I feel physically from hour to hour. I need to track my medications and supplements. I can't trust myself to keep it all in my head anymore.
I know I have to do that to stay as healthy as possible through this. I get that intellectually. Emotionally this actually makes me more upset than the cancer does. It scares me more. I don't want to be *that* person again. With *those* obsessions. The great irony of all of it is that of course a year from now I will likely weigh anywhere from 30 to 100 pounds less than I do now. I haven't lost anything on chemo yet, but that's likely because the steroids stimulate appetite and I'm done with them for now. Lowered appetite and more illness are coming as the toxicity builds in my body. And then of course they are going to chop a couple of significant bits off of me, and reconfigure those bits using other parts of me. I don't know where I'm going with this, except to say that it is hard and painful and there is a big black hole and I don't want to fall into it.
On the bright side, I realized that Stanford offers free nutrition counseling within the oncology department, and I requested an appointment for a consult. I'm hoping they can get me in on Tuesday and help sort through my questions. Imagine that, an actual professional who might be able to help me navigate the marketing bullshit around these machines and suggest alternatives? Sometimes I am dense. I'm hoping they'll be able to see me when I'm there on Tuesday.
And I'll start writing it all down tomorrow. Not calories, but foods and times and whether or not I feel sick throughout the day. Maybe I'll buy a new notebook for that, so I can ceremonially burn the thing when I'm done with this. I hope the nutritionist appreciates the effort.
I've mentioned it here once before, and I'll be happy to elaborate for anybody who has questions on the topic, but basically I walked away from the idea that I would ever attempt to lose weight again several years ago. There are a lot of reasons for that. A lot of science to back up my reasoning, and a lot of sanity followed. Dieting makes you completely obsessed with food. We've all done it, or know somebody who has done it, or otherwise intelligent people who are unable to have small talk (especially with women) that doesn't include some mention of diet or morality about food ("I was soooo bad today...").
Being that obsessed didn't make me thin. It made me boring. It made me crazy. It made me keep insane diaries of everything I ate and every time I exercised. It made me push myself too hard just to burn 10 more calories on the treadmill, causing multiple injuries over the years. And then of course I couldn't exercise because I was injured and I gained anything I'd lost right back.
Things have been a lot better over the last couple of years. When I swore off dieting, I committed to eating a wide variety of healthy foods and exercising regularly. Doesn't seem that different, but it really is. As screwed up as my knee has been, this has been the longest stretch I've ever gone without an exercise related injury. Since I don't weigh myself, I haven't been depressed about plateaus. It is what it is. I got stronger. I found a great trainer who I can't wait to get back to when all this is over. I worked out regularly for two solid years, and I hope to get back to it in a more limited way in the coming weeks, now that all the testing is over and I have some time again and a predictable schedule.
But food is a problem. Forcing myself back into that mindset - not the weight loss fantasy - but having to think about what I'm eating daily in terms of something more than "try to eat at least four servings of produce and not too many carbs" is a problem.
Those of you not on FB have missed some discussions about juicers and blenders and how I'm going to get all the nutrients I need. It has triggered the old obsessive thinking again. I have realized that I need to start keeping a food diary, and a much more detailed one than I used to. I need to write down what's going in and when, and what's coming back out and when, and how I feel physically from hour to hour. I need to track my medications and supplements. I can't trust myself to keep it all in my head anymore.
I know I have to do that to stay as healthy as possible through this. I get that intellectually. Emotionally this actually makes me more upset than the cancer does. It scares me more. I don't want to be *that* person again. With *those* obsessions. The great irony of all of it is that of course a year from now I will likely weigh anywhere from 30 to 100 pounds less than I do now. I haven't lost anything on chemo yet, but that's likely because the steroids stimulate appetite and I'm done with them for now. Lowered appetite and more illness are coming as the toxicity builds in my body. And then of course they are going to chop a couple of significant bits off of me, and reconfigure those bits using other parts of me. I don't know where I'm going with this, except to say that it is hard and painful and there is a big black hole and I don't want to fall into it.
On the bright side, I realized that Stanford offers free nutrition counseling within the oncology department, and I requested an appointment for a consult. I'm hoping they can get me in on Tuesday and help sort through my questions. Imagine that, an actual professional who might be able to help me navigate the marketing bullshit around these machines and suggest alternatives? Sometimes I am dense. I'm hoping they'll be able to see me when I'm there on Tuesday.
And I'll start writing it all down tomorrow. Not calories, but foods and times and whether or not I feel sick throughout the day. Maybe I'll buy a new notebook for that, so I can ceremonially burn the thing when I'm done with this. I hope the nutritionist appreciates the effort.
Was out of town for a while, and headed back out soon, so catching up on your postings. What about using a website/app to track your nutrient intake. Has got to be easier that writing it down. I think overall the best approach to food is as fuel appropriate for your needs, not purely as calories. I am not naturally a fruit eater, but the nutrient content have won me over over the long term. I still wish someone would come over and cut it up for me....
ReplyDeleteI have a to-do list that I set up a long time ago to make sure I get enough produce and a few other things in my diet - I tick the boxes as I eat the things (or take the supplements, or do the physical therapy exercises) and then just eat whatever else I like. I don't buy junk at the grocery store so usually my options are pretty good since I eat most meals at home.
DeleteI used to use FitDay to track everything, and it was baaaaad. I got really obsessive about it, spun out into a serious depression. And then a year later I did it again with the same results.
I think having the record to obsess over is the problem for me - the to-do list works because I can tick a box and know I met my minimums and then walk away.
Keeping the actual food record longhand is a healthier mental choice, I think, for me (we'll see). The things I would obsess over were the trended charts and all the other doo-dads that go with the apps. A Moleskine isn't going to do math and give me charts, so I won't have them to suck me in. :)